Lies My Mother Told Me

My mom was a fibber. I was 55 years old before I figured that out. What a chump I am!

Housekeeping

  • The only way to clean a floor is on your hands and knees.
  • You have to use a bucket of hot water and ammonia to clean the refrigerator.
  • Nothing gets clean unless you scrub it as hard as you can, no matter how dirty it is or isn't.
  • Only steel wool soap pads get pots and pans clean.
  • If you don't use Comet cleanser, the sink won't get clean.
  • There is only one way to fold laundry.
  • You have to sweep a floor twice, once in each direction, to get it clean.
  • A self-cleaning oven doesn't get the oven clean. You have to scrub it with oven cleaner.
  • If you don't rinse the dishes with hot water and get all the food off before you put them in the dishwasher, they won't get clean.
  • There is only one way to sweep a floor.
  • You can't fold a tablecloth in half and iron both sides at once because it makes a crease.
  • There is only one way to fold bath towels.
  • You have to clean windows with newspaper or else they'll streak.
  • Robotic vacuum cleaners are toys and they don't get the floors clean.
  • You have to wash plastic bags. Then you have to dry them with a towel. You can't let them air dry.
  • A robotic vacuum cleaner is just a toy. It won't get the floor clean. You have to use a Kirby.

Food

  • You have to tear lettuce when you make a salad. You can't use a knife on it.
  • Storebought bread will kill you.
  • Undercooked pork always causes trichinosis that is fatal within 24 hours.
  • It's safe to have insects in your food because they're a good source of protein.
  • Moldy cheese is ok. That's where penicillin comes from.

Health, Beauty, and Adolescence

  • You menstruate when you're pregnant.
  • Long hemlines make your legs look longer.
  • Muscles on girls are unfeminine.
  • It's important to be seen at the dance, even if you don't have a date.
  • If you chew your fingernails, you'll get worms.